Saturday, July 30, 2005

I love Bobby the Bartender

Roommate quote of the day: “Jake smells really good, but he has man boobs I think.”

For the past month my roommate has been guilt tripping me because I owe her two drinks. She makes me look like such a cheap bastard, but I offered to pay for my own drinks at the time. She just prefers to buy me drinks and nag me about it later. I’ve offered to pay her back, pay her cab fare, etc, but she sternly says, “I’d prefer the drinks.”

So last night I finally had to anti-up. As soon as we got to the bar, she insisted that we go to the terrace immediately. “But it's so expensive up there!” I whined. She didn’t care. So I asked Roomie what she wanted and pushed my way to the bar to buy her damned vodka tonic. As soon as I made eye contact with the bartender, I knew he recognized me. I quickly grabbed my roommate to tell her the good news: “Bobby the Bartender is here!!!”

Bobby the Bartender always gives us free drinks all night long. Muahahahaha. (that was supposed to be maniacal laughter... because I weaseled my way out of buying drinks again, get it?)

“My nice girls are here!” Bobby exclaimed.
“Bobby, you’re my favorite,” said Roomie.
“Bobby, you’re my hero,” said I.

Bobby squirted the seltzer hose thing to indicate his tears of joy.

The first time we went to this bar, we ordered drinks from Bobby and for some reason he decided we were “the nice girls.” Hey, I’m not going to question it.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

apples to oranges

Today at work I IM-ed my step brother. He’s interning at Google right now. I asked what he was doing and he said “I’m working on their internal project tracking database.” I said, “Oh, I’m… throwing a teddy bear around the office.” Which really is the only thing I recall doing at work today.

Ok, to be completely accurate it was a “Teddy Scares,” but that’s not relevant.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Scientologists think I'm an alchy

Today I was in the Times Square subway station and I tested the limits of the subway car doors. The platform was so flooded with people that as soon as I pushed my way up to the train, the doors started closing right in front of my face. Now, I thought these doors were designed like elevator doors. If a person sticks an appendage in between them, they’ll just bounce back open. So I stuck my leg out thinking I was getting on the train. Boy was I wrong. Oh no. The doors close right on your leg and all you can do is hope to pry it free before the train starts up. The mighty subway has spoken.

While I was in the station I saw people offering a “free stress test.” I knew they were selling something, but I thought I would humor them for my own amusement. They were in fact selling … dun dun dun … Scientology.

A young woman yelled at me to take the stress test, but when I agreed, no one was ready to test me, so I had to wait. I told her the waiting was stressing me out. She was not amused. She shoved this book in my face and I knew I was in for a treat.

Everyone kept asking me what I’d heard about Dianetics. I told them I knew it was a part of Scientology. They asked what I’d heard about Scientology. The only thing that came to mind was “Tom Cruise is a Scientologist and he seems like a real nut job.” So I just said, “Oh, I haven’t heard much.”

After my wait, I sat down with George the Scientologist for my incredibly bogus stress test. It turns out, if I could just eliminate my reactive mind, I wouldn’t have any stress at all! And how do I eliminate the reactive mind? Dianetics of course. George really wanted me to make a donation to buy ol’ L. Ron’s book. I said I was too busy to read it right now but that I would check it out later (and I was half serious, I may read it sometime.) And that’s when he called me an alcoholic.

I was only trying to come up with a polite excuse for not buying the book. But George the Scientologist doesn’t like it when I “try to party away all my problems.”

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

The Daily Show rocked my face off

Today I saw a live taping of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. I’m still in awe. I beat some dudes at gin while I was waiting in line. I don’t really have much else to say about it except, this is perhaps the crankiest man in the world:

He was the first person to open up the studio doors and he sure does seem to hate the human race.
I wish the guest had been cooler than Diane Lane, because I’d never even heard of her.
I wish I had gone up and sat in Stewart’s chair for a picture, but I didn’t have the balls.

Any questions?

Secrets of how to see the Daily Show
(it seemed too easy, in fact.) Call the cancellation ticket request line at 11am the Friday before you want to see the show. (phone no. is on Comedy Central’s web site.) If they respond, you’re golden. Get to the studio by 2pm the day of the show and you’ll be the first in line. (well, I got their at 1pm, but that was insane, I did however get free water from a security dude for being early. [and adorable]) You stand in the general ticket line. They’ll let the VIPs in first, then you’re next. They let me in ahead of the people who had requested tickets months in advance. Maybe it was because I was the very first in line and made nice with the staff and interns, but hey. That’s how it’s done.

Take note: the cranky man does not want to answer your questions.

Sunday, July 24, 2005


To confuse new yorkers, I like to wear a shirt that says "I (heart) IU" rather than "I (heart) NY." IU = Indiana University. Today I confused this woman:

Her name is Wilma. She works at the Taco Bell/Pizza Hut on 14th between University and 5th ave. It is her summer job. She goes to community college. She is my new friend. She speaks the Spanish.

my digital camera presents:

An act of passive aggression from one of my roommates.