Thursday, August 04, 2005

I'm sorry

I’ll just be honest. I was/am bored at work and thus filled out this survey. And I think my answers and mood can be accredited to a chemical imbalance induced mania. So, here you go.

Name: Joanna

Birthday: ‘bout 20 years ago, foo

Birthplace: the KY, baby, ba-BAY

Current Location: NY. NY

Eye Color: eye

Hair Color: good

Height: short

Right Handed or Left Handed: hands, fuck, Tim is playing Weird Al, god damn

The Shoes You Wore Today: flippity flops

Your Weakness: Asians

Your Fears: sad clowns, “nigger music”

Your Perfect Pizza: free

Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: give up the smack and the kiddie porn

Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: I saw your profile, please come check my web site to see some nude pictures of me! Let’s be friends

Thoughts First Waking Up: Where’s that faggot-ass nigga trying to hold me back?

Your Best Physical Feature: the baby shark growing off my left side, I named him Sharky.

Your Bedtime: as soon as he says “come to bed, bitch!”

Your Most Missed Memory: that time the guy dressed as a sad clown tried to rape me and then Sharky bit him.

Pepsi or Coke: Coke is for communists, pinkos, etc. That said, I prefer Pepsi.

McDonalds or Burger King: Let’s just say, a Jewish accountant just walked into the office and he didn’t bring a puppy for me to play with, so I am sad.

Single or Group Dates: gang bang all da way

Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: who drinks tea? What is this, Great Britain? Is it “tea time?” Should I crack out the mothafuckin crumpets?

Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla is for retards and men and retarded men. That said, I prefer chocolate.

Cappuccino or Coffee: uhhhhh….. I don’t speak Italian

Do you Smoke: only old stogies that I’ve found

Do you Swear: no

Do you Sing: yes, I love to sing. It’s such a rush. I can stay up all night and then go to work the next day with no sleep. I can just keep going. Wait, maybe I’m thinking less about singing and more about cocaine.

Do you Shower Daily: area of a circle = pi*r squared

Have you been in Love: You might say I’m addicted to love. Love is great. It makes me mentally alert and my heart just races and races until it feels like it’s gonna explode, except sometimes the crash is kind of a bitch.

Do you want to go to College: college is for retards who don’t like money. They say, “hey, I HATE my money and I hate my parents’ money. I’d like to give it away to an institution of higher learning so I can get a semi worthless piece of paper that says I learned something when in fact, I did not. I just got drunk all the time.”

Do you want to get Married: Marriage is a beautiful thing. I think it’s well worth the sporadic nose bleeds. The trust building that blow, I mean marriage, ads to my life is truly a gift.

Do you believe in yourself: God, what am I, five years old? Yeah, sure, I believe in myself. I like to come down the chimney and take your teeth and put money under my own pillow.

Do you get Motion Sickness: Only when I’m singing and/or in love/married.

Do you think you are Attractive: like a magnet baby, like a magnet.

Are you a Health Freak: Well, I’ll tell you this much, just take the H off of Health and the A out of Freak and we’re in business, if you catch my drift. Wink, wink.

Do you get along with your Parents: My parents are great. My mom went down on the president and my dad sang the hit song, “Dancing on the Ceiling.”

Do you like Thunderstorms: Is your mom sexy?

Do you play an Instrument: heh. I play the, oh nevermind.

In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: My god, what a question! I’m 20 years old! In the United States you must be 21 years of age to consume alcoholic beverages, and thus, Sir, the answer is NO.

In the past month have you Smoked: old stogies, yes. That I found.

In the past month have you been on Drugs: I personally, have not done drugs, but Sharky (the baby shark that grows from my left side, if you’ll recall) is quite a fan of crystal meth, as of late.

In the past month have you gone on a Date: No, but I made out with Sharky. We get bored.

In the past month have you had sex: I don’t think Sharky wants me to bring that one up. (wa-wa)

In the past month have you done anything sexual to someone else: I gave my roommate a high five.

In the past month has someone kissed you: the sad clown did, until Sharky bit him

In the past month have you gone to a Mall: ugh, that capitalist pig center of consumerism??? You bet!

In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: my diet is exclusively oreos, so of course.

In the past month have you eaten Sushi: RAW fish?! Well, I can’t speak for Sharky, but I just lied and said I eat exclusively oreos, so I’ll have to go with no, to continue the lie.

In the past month have you been on Stage: yeah, he was great.

In the past month have you been Dumped: is that the same thing as searching for my credit card in a dumpster?

In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: well, I took off all my clothes when I was searching for my credit card in the dumpster.

In the past month have you Stolen Anything: only someone’s heart. *Baddup ching*

Ever been Drunk: under 21 here, hello!

Ever been called a Tease: No, but I have been called a dirty, dirty whore.

Ever been Beaten up: I’m not supposed to tell anyone. Er, uh, I fell down the stairs.

Ever Shoplifted: who do I look like? Superman? I’d need one helluva adrenaline rush to have the strength to lift an entire store.

How do you want to Die: trapped in a deep, dark well

What do you want to be when you Grow Up: older

What country would you most like to Visit: Andora

In a Boy/Girl..

Favorite Eye Color: I’m heterosexual

Favorite Hair Color: Jewish

Short or Long Hair: yes

Height: midgy

Weight: kilograms

Best Clothing Style: MC Hammer

Type of Guy: someone who’s not afraid of commitment, someone who dresses like MC Hammer

What turns you on: sad clowns

Number of Drugs I have taken: love and marriage, love and marriage, go together like a horse and carriage.

Number of CDs I own: I can only assume CD stands for Caramel Delight, which is a delicious flavor of Girl Scout Cookie. I don’t currently own any, but come cookie season, I hope to own maybe two boxes.

Number of Piercings: I have a giant piercing right through my soul, and every time someone in the world dies of AIDS, it tingles.

Number of Tattoos: I just have one. It’s on my lower back. It is the likeness of that Russian lesbian pop group Tatu. They’re totally makin out on my back.

Number of things in my Past I Regret: everything, my entire past, I regret it all.


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