Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Scientologists think I'm an alchy

Today I was in the Times Square subway station and I tested the limits of the subway car doors. The platform was so flooded with people that as soon as I pushed my way up to the train, the doors started closing right in front of my face. Now, I thought these doors were designed like elevator doors. If a person sticks an appendage in between them, they’ll just bounce back open. So I stuck my leg out thinking I was getting on the train. Boy was I wrong. Oh no. The doors close right on your leg and all you can do is hope to pry it free before the train starts up. The mighty subway has spoken.

While I was in the station I saw people offering a “free stress test.” I knew they were selling something, but I thought I would humor them for my own amusement. They were in fact selling … dun dun dun … Scientology.

A young woman yelled at me to take the stress test, but when I agreed, no one was ready to test me, so I had to wait. I told her the waiting was stressing me out. She was not amused. She shoved this book in my face and I knew I was in for a treat.

Everyone kept asking me what I’d heard about Dianetics. I told them I knew it was a part of Scientology. They asked what I’d heard about Scientology. The only thing that came to mind was “Tom Cruise is a Scientologist and he seems like a real nut job.” So I just said, “Oh, I haven’t heard much.”

After my wait, I sat down with George the Scientologist for my incredibly bogus stress test. It turns out, if I could just eliminate my reactive mind, I wouldn’t have any stress at all! And how do I eliminate the reactive mind? Dianetics of course. George really wanted me to make a donation to buy ol’ L. Ron’s book. I said I was too busy to read it right now but that I would check it out later (and I was half serious, I may read it sometime.) And that’s when he called me an alcoholic.

I was only trying to come up with a polite excuse for not buying the book. But George the Scientologist doesn’t like it when I “try to party away all my problems.”


Anonymous better than buddha said...

i tested positive for stress once. the doctor gave me prescription shampoo to use on my balls for two weeks and told me to stop sleeping with whores.

12:56 AM  
Anonymous Chrissy said...

You should have invited him out for a drink!! -- Or better yet... to the Pirate weekend! ARRrrrr

6:37 AM  
Blogger Joanna said...

George the Scientologist is SO not invited to Pirate weekend! He's not the "drinking rum and saying 'arrrr,' type" he's more the "sit around and eliminate your reactive mind" type

8:36 PM  
Blogger Jorge said...

funny,,,nice blog

5:39 AM  

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